How To Switch From A Negative To Positive Mindset

By Celeste Opris, Ph.D.

Do you tend to see the worst in people? Do you have trouble trusting that people will follow through with things they tell you? These doubts may be due to the countless disappointments you have had over the years, but they also describe the way you think. 

We all have had experiences in our lives. Some were wonderful and special; others, we wish we could forget. Sometimes it can feel mentally exhausting to overthink about things that are undeniably a result of our past. The question is, “Why do we still do it if it negatively affects us?”

The truth is that we may not realize the enormous impact negativity has on our mental health and our well-being. Doubt and negativity can become habits and a way of life unless we become aware of their existence. Otherwise, we will continue to speak and think as we have, leading to our relationships, jobs, and potential opportunities being negatively affected.

For instance, if you tell yourself you are not going to get a certain job position because you are not qualified enough or they are going to give it to someone else, then you are instantly limiting yourself. Perhaps you tend to put yourself down quite often, resulting in difficulty believing in yourself and your capabilities. Do not be your own worst critic. Instead, be the positive influence you so desperately need. Do it for yourself when others continue to let you down.

Maybe you surround yourself with negative people who cause you to doubt yourself and make you question what you deserve? Check in with yourself and analyze your relationships with those around you. You do not need to cut people out of your life but you could examine the changes you wish to see for yourself and for your relationships.

Be the positive example you wish to see and others will follow, as positivity tends to be rather contagious. You may be called out for “changing” but there are times in life when we all change and in this case, you are looking to change for the better.

If you live your life limiting your thoughts instead of empowering them, then it may be time to change the way you think. Obviously if this is something you have never thought to be an issue, then these topics may not be of interest to you. However, now could be a good time to change your perspective in a positive way.

Positive thinking will lead to positive experiences. You never have to forget your past, but you can choose to change your future. Life looks a lot brighter when hope is present, so wish the best for yourself and that is what you will receive.

Celeste Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

How To Take Accountability

DR. CELESTE OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

If you are a person who honestly does not understand why everything happens to you, then it may be time to self-examine your role in this cycle. Taking accountability is one of the hardest things a person can do. It requires vulnerability, self-reflection, and ownership of our actions.

No one really wants to admit when they did something wrong or when they hurt another individual. Apologizing in particular is not an easy process. Many people take pride in their actions and words, so when others offer criticism stating what they did “wrong” some people have a hard time accepting the feedback and taking accountability.

For instance, if you commonly vent to your friends about a relationship you are in, then you are opening the door for their opinions. You may not like what they have to say, but you may find yourself in a situation where accountability needs to be taken. You are the one going to them to vent. We all need support so opening up to others is a great resource; however, it is very uncommon for others to listen to you without responding and sharing their own thoughts about a situation. So be prepared that each time you initiate a conversation, this may lead to opinions you may not want to hear.

Likewise, if you have not gotten a certain job position you desire, then consider realistic options. Living with the mentality that they do not like you or they always give those positions to someone else, will not help you. Instead put your thoughts together and present yourself. Explain what you can offer and if they want to move forward, great. Otherwise, it may be time to move on to bigger and better things, if and when you are ready.

Remember, we cannot always put blame on others, especially if people have their own issues going on. In regards to a workplace, maybe there is someone in a higher position making decisions you are unaware of. In relationships, perhaps the other person is scared, or not mentally and emotionally ready to move forward as you envisioned. This can undeniably affect your level of trust towards others, especially if you have felt let down more times than you can remember.

Define the expectations you wish to see in your life and go for them. This allows you the opportunity to plan for your future and create realistic goals for yourself personally, financially, and emotionally. Give it your best shot and if it does not work out, then there is another path just waiting for you to discover it.

We are only able to control ourselves and our actions. Being honest is a good start and it goes hand-in-hand with taking accountability. It requires you to self-reflect and to see what you are truly capable of at this time in your life. This stands true in regards to what you can give to others, but more importantly, to yourself.

Celeste Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Craving Love From A Parent

DR. CELESTE OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

As children, and even as adults, we crave love from our parents. There is an inherent part of us that wants to make them proud. We want to be noticed. We want to stand out, at times even amongst our siblings. This does not necessarily mean in a competitive manner; however, we just want to know that we matter.

Some children crave love and affection from their parents and when it is not received, this may result in children acting out in negative ways. Children may not know how to properly vocalize how they feel and what they need. Therefore, their behaviors may include talking back, starting arguments with their siblings, and doing poorly in school, just so they can receive your individualized attention.

As an adult, you may still yearn for this type of relationship from your parents. You may notice that starting conversations is rather difficult, you may not have many things in common, and there are countless awkward moments when you are around each other.

If you have children of your own, you may become particularly defensive around your parents as they try to give you parenting advice. This may be due to the resentment you have toward them that has been building inside of you. You may even make snide comments toward them and think to yourself, “You’re giving me advice?”

Odds are, your parents do not understand why you are so angry toward them. Most parents believe they did the best they could, and when their kids share examples of what they did “wrong” parents appear completely dumbfounded and sometimes even defensive. Instead of apologizing for the way they made their child feel, they may share a defensive response like, “Well you don’t remember how crazy you used to drive us. You never listened...”

It is rather difficult for parents to take accountability especially when they truly feel they made the best possible decisions. They may even tell you, “You’ll see when you have kids.” Yet, the anger you feel and the love you crave remain.

The way to resolve these issues is to have a heart-to-heart conversation in a calm, controlled manner. The problem is that conversations never really happen this way. Our emotions, anger, and pride get in the way of being completely vulnerable, so we rarely communicate in ways that are effective and beneficial.

Going to a family therapist or asking other family members for support may help. A mediator may need to be present so that thoughts and opinions can be shared in ways that are actually heard. Otherwise, the same cycle will continue and change may be nonexistent. 

This may be completely overwhelming for you to address at this time. So if and when you are ready, gather your thoughts and consider what you would say and what you need to hear from your parents. If your parents are deceased, consider writing a letter stating everything you would have told them. Some people burn the letter afterwards; others put it in a box and randomly read it when they need to. This process is completely up to you. If and when you are ready, you will start to heal and receive the closure you need.

Celeste Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

How Anxiety Can Make You Rush Life

DR. CELESTE OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Anxiety is real and it affects each individual uniquely. All of us become anxious at some point. Whether it is at home, work, school, social gatherings, or when we are alone, anxiety can sometimes make us feel debilitated.

As a result of the discomfort felt when anxious, some people strategically and sometimes subconsciously, rush their lives. For instance, you may commonly say to yourself, “I just want to get this over with.” This can pertain to spending time with friends and family, or simply getting through the day.

This could even happen when being intimate with your partner. For example, if you are anxious that you have to get up early the next morning and you start thinking about all the things you need to do the next day, then it may be difficult for you to be in the present.

Certain individuals need to make plans in order to lessen their anxiety, because they need to know what the plan is and what will be happening. It is completely fine if this works for you, but some people cannot enjoy the present moment without planning for the next one. They miss out on what is presently surrounding them because they are too anxious about a future event that has not even taken place yet.

Some people even end a relationship because they anticipate it will end eventually. It is difficult for certain individuals to just “be” as overthinking becomes the norm and the anxiety from anticipating something will happen is simply too difficult for people to bare. In turn, an experience may be ended before it even had the chance to begin.

The fear of the unknown can be so powerful that sometimes you may not try something which interests you. For instance, you may not try new foods because you are afraid you may not like them or you may not go to a friend’s get-together because you do not know who will be there. Perhaps you hate feeling like you can’t control things, which may be one of the main reasons you have anxiety.

Your anxiety may be unintentionally affecting those around you. You may start to notice that your family members become more anxious around you or your co-workers will start asking you where you would like to go eat in order to make you more comfortable. Others may not understand your daily struggles so it may be beneficial to vocalize what you need in order to avoid unnecessary anxiety, stress, and paranoia.

The key is to see what works best for you.  Start paying attention to what decreases your anxiety levels. You do not want to miss out on things, but you can learn ways to adjust to situations so you can be present and enjoy each experience coming your way. If you feel completely lost regarding how to accomplish this, consider reaching out to a friend who is easy to talk to or to a professional who specializes in anxiety. The hard part is asking for help, especially when dealing with anxiety, but the benefits will make you proud of yourself every time you tackle each hurdle.

Celeste Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

How to Let Go of Your College-Bound Child

DR. CELESTE OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

You spent the last eighteen years protecting your child from the dangers of the real world. Lessons were taught along the way explaining how to stay safe and how to stay away from negative influences. As the end of their senior year approached, it started hitting you that things would be different very soon; your child would be attending college. Near or far it is still hard to adjust to these changes.

At times, you felt fear wondering if they would be okay on their own. Other times, you felt pure joy knowing they will have such memorable experiences coming their way. Either way, it is still hard to let go.

Not seeing them around the house is difficult and the silence you once wished for is now too quiet for your liking. You miss your child and they undoubtedly miss you too, even though they may not say or show it. 

Believe it or not, it is hard for many college students to be away from home. As much as they may have told you they could not wait to leave for college, once they move into their dorms and the thrill starts to wear off a bit, it can start to feel lonely.

You may start to notice an increase in phone calls or text messages from your child. Use these times as cues that your child misses you. The key of letting go is to allow your children to become independent and functional adults. This does not mean, however, that you cannot check in to ask how they are doing, to see if they need anything, or to ask how they are feeling. They may not reveal anything at that moment, but they are listening. They will remember that Mom and Dad care.

You had countless moments when they drove you absolutely crazy, but you honestly would not trade those memories for anything. Each time they visit home, they crave Mom’s cooking, hanging out with Dad, and sleeping in their old bed. These are their new memories that they will take with them and cherish, especially during those lonely nights.

Remember, we all need our parents, no matter how old we are. Remind yourselves to be present, to be available, and to be open, because you never know what they will share with you and when they will need you most.

Give yourselves permission to make your own interests a priority if you have some extra time on your hands now. Start scheduling more outings with loved ones, pick up a hobby, or simply do nothing at all. These ideas may seem completely foreign to you, as you have spent years putting your family’s needs before your own. However, you matter as well and it is beneficial for your children to see that Mom and Dad are doing just fine and that life is continuously meant to be lived.

Celeste Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

How Divorce Spreads Like A Disease

DR. CELESTE OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Have you ever noticed when one couple announces they are getting divorced, another couple seems to follow shortly after? For example, celebrities and politicians appear to strategically wait for one major divorce announcement and then utilize that opportunity to announce their own separation. Coincidentally, you may have friends or family members who also announced their separation this way. The idea may be to unintentionally deflect the attention off of themselves and to receive less questions like, “How could this happen?” or “But, why?”

Times like these can cause you to question your own relationship. Some begin to wonder if their relationship is next. Others even panic and become scared, particularly when their friend or relative’s divorce is messy and there is a custody battle involved.

Take this opportunity to check in and to fix what is wrong with your own relationship. If things have been “rocky” for quite some time, then make your relationship a top priority. Schedule alone time to reconnect. You could start by going to see a movie so you are not required to talk, especially if you both have not done these types of outings in quite some time. Perhaps you could grab a coffee together and start with some small talk.

If you really do not want to be with anyone else and you would prefer to be with your spouse for the rest of your life, then consider taking divorce off of the table. Obviously there is only so much you can control, as we cannot control other individuals, including our partners. However, when you are at a point in your relationship where you have nothing else to lose, then give it your all.

Pull out your best hand and give your relationship a true tune-up. If you are lost regarding how to start then think back to the beginning of your relationship when you used to go out of your way to make your partner feel special. In the beginning, we all do these thoughtful gestures to show our love to one another, but over time we tend to get too comfortable. We become rather routine-like with our partners.

You can absolutely change your life and your relationship if you both agree to work on your marriage. You never want to have any regrets. So say what you want to say, try as hard as you want to try, and consider therapy. Divorce is not easy by any means. Some people wish they never got divorced and others say it is the best decision they ever made.

It is a personal choice but it is also a choice between you and your partner. The key is for both of you to talk about your options, how you are feeling, and the changes you wish to see. Be open to feedback as your partner should also be able to openly communicate his or her thoughts and wishes. The main goal in life is to be happy, so just determine what that looks like and go for it, whichever way that may take you!

Celeste Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Why doesn’t my partner listen to me?

DR. CELESTE OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Do you ever feel like you constantly have to repeat yourself to your partner? Why is that? People tend to repeat themselves when they do not feel heard or validated. So if you have told your partner the same things “a million times” then it may be time to examine the interaction between the two of you.

A lot of individuals get stuck in the, “How does he not know what I mean?”  Oddly enough, two individuals can say the same exact sentence and mean something completely different. For instance, you can say to your partner, “The dishes are piling up in the sink.” Perhaps you were hoping your partner would understand that is your way of asking for the dishes to be washed. However, your partner could have missed your point completely and disregarded your statement unintentionally.

This can make you feel ignored or invisible, when in reality that is the last thing your partner wanted to do. Ironically, this can result in a snowball effect in which people get snappy or have an attitude toward each other. Yet, your partner may have no idea what went wrong. Hence why you may be commonly asked, “What’s wrong?”

Look for body language that changed after you say something. For example, if his tone changes and he appears defensive then examine what you just said to him and explain where you were coming from, what you meant, and how you really felt about it. Understand why your words or reactions could be interpreted negatively. Self-examine your words and strong reactions towards each other and what you really meant to say to your partner. You could say you felt “overwhelmed,” “targeted,” “anxious,” and so forth.

If you frequently make comments like, “Well, he always does this,” or “She never does that,” then it may be a good time to re-examine the way you both interact and talk to each other. Speak to each other like you would talk to a friend; with respect. Remember to never corner one another. There is a reason why people feel like their partners are not listening to them so question those reasons.

It may be time to make yourselves heard in a healthy and positive way. It takes hard work to be considerate and patient when you are in a relationship, especially when being triggered. It is also difficult to take criticism from each other, but so necessary in order to grow as a couple. Things can’t and won’t be “as they used to” for the rest of your lives. When you are growing old together and things are meant to be “forever” then it is literally impossible for two individuals to agree on all topics and decisions.

People change and grow, but the key is to continue growing together. It is great to be hopeful, but it is even better to take charge of your life and to make your goals happen, especially when it comes to your relationship!

Celeste Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Dear Husband, Remember When…

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Life seems to be on fast forward. The to-do list never seems to end and there is always someone else who requires our attention. Tired is an understatement, and yet, we keep going. Remember when it was just us?

To be honest, I miss you my husband. I miss our time alone. I miss not being a worrier. I miss sleeping in with you and glancing over at you in the morning. Sometimes I miss the silence in our home and only hearing your voice. I would never trade our life or our family for anything, but sometimes I think about how it used to be when it was just us.

Life was fun, spontaneous, and care-free. I miss our solo adventures and being in awe of you as you shared your stories from your life. I could not wait to see you and spend time with you. Believe it or not, I still feel that way even though I may not always tell you. For some reason, I push those thoughts aside and sometimes I am even resentful towards you, even when you do nothing wrong.

I guess I take those feelings of missing you and become angry as if you are consciously deciding to not spend time with me. Sometimes I even become paranoid that maybe someone else has gotten your attention. Don’t worry those thoughts do not last long, but it is as if I am mentally preparing myself for us to grow apart. I would never want that, but it is truly one of my biggest fears. I am scared we may not make it.

I need you to remind me that I still matter to you. I need you to tell me that you still find me attractive. I need you to ask me how my day was. I know our stories have changed over the years, but I hope you still like listening to me. Sometimes I wonder if you still like me as much as you did when we first met. I know you love me, but sometimes I question if I am enough.

I realize that there is never enough time and I am sure you would want things to be different too. I feel guilty putting the kids before you and I know you have felt pushed aside at times. Just know you are still my forever. I feel so grateful to have what we have. I look forward to our future and continuing to grow old together. I know this may sound crazy but I hope you miss me as much as I miss you. Ironically, one day we may be talking about this exact time in our lives and we will say to each other, “Remember when…?”

Our life is great and we truly are blessed. I will try harder my husband. It is not your job to appease my insecurities. Sometimes I want things to be like the past, but to be frank, we are not even the same people anymore. I love us and I love you. I appreciate you and I will make sure to tell you more often. Thank you for this wonderful life and for making my “Remember when…” stories even better.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Happy Father’s Day to YOU

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

The definition of what a “father” is varies from person-to-person. For many, a father is a protector, a shining example of what a man should be, and a go-to when you are in need of help. There is a reason why many people commonly say, “Children need their fathers,” because a father brings in a specific presence, unforgettable lessons, and memories that children will cherish for the rest of their lives.

Similarly to mothers, a lot of what fathers do tends to go unnoticed. It becomes expected that “Daddy goes to work,” and “Daddy will fix it.” At times, men can even feel unappreciated, as certain responsibilities may become somewhat expected. However, the key is to remember that your family may expect certain things from you because they trust that YOU can handle it. You are their Superman, who is capable of doing anything and everything. Not every man can fulfill that role, but to your family, you are perfect and needed.

Every contribution you make keeps things going, flowing, and moving. Some of the fondest memories for children include their dad. Whether it was learning life lessons, exploring outdoors, or assembling their toys, you truly make an impact in their lives. Think of all the sacrifices you have made and know they are all worth it. It requires a strong drive to get up every day and go to work and it requires discipline to be present as a father, which is one of the greatest presents you can give to your children.  

Your kids are watching and learning from you. Your children will benefit from the skills and knowledge you possess. Share it with them. Make things a learning lesson; essentially give them a piece of yourself that they can take with them and one day share with their own families. Yes, your kids may describe you as fun, but they also see you as smart, loving, and hard-working. Sometimes you just have to remember to let them in and share your vulnerable side with them. Kids need that as well.

You may not always have heart-to-heart conversations with your kids, as many fathers and children tend to be “tough” around each other. However, just know that you are loved more than words can describe. Your house is a home because of your presence. You are idolized by your children and there is no other Dad your kids could ever want.

With everything going on, remember to also take time for yourself and try to relax. Stress can get to us, which may cause us to react negatively at times. The more relaxed you are, the more patient and understanding you can be, which will positively impact those around you, especially your children.

Enjoy the life and the family you have helped build. These are the moments to be proud of. Cherish these times because these precious moments will not be exactly the same forever. Just as your children continue to grow, so will you as a person, as a man, and as a father. Happy Father’s Day to you, Dad!

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Happy Mother’s Day to YOU

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

When asked, “How are you?” most moms will offer a similar response. Typical answers are, “I’m okay,” “Tired,” or “It’s been non-stop.” Yet, when you ask mothers how their kids are doing, many will say, “They are getting so big,” “They are great,” or they will compliment their academic or athletic achievements.

Mothers appear to highlight their children’s strengths while not always recognizing or emphasizing their own. Why is that? A potential explanation can be that moms are selfless. Many moms put their children, spouses, and family before themselves. Of course, this can leave a mother feeling “okay,” “tired,” or as if life has been “non-stop,” because moms are commonly putting themselves last in line.

Many mothers sacrifice a piece of themselves for the well-being of their family. These sacrifices may result in lack of sleep, at times feeling like a chauffeur, and having difficulty remembering the last time a peaceful shower was taken. However, all appear to be sacrificed so that children can have a good, happy childhood and then one day be happy, well-adjusted adults.

Ironically, what you may start to notice as a mother is that you too start to feel like a kid again. In a way, you are able to relive your childhood and give your kids the childhood you wished you had. You remember what it feels like to jump in a puddle again. You start to notice the moon, airplanes, and birds in the sky, as your kids will repeatedly and innocently point them out to you. You start believing again that people are inherently good. You begin to see beauty instead of what is wrong with the world. You start noticing and enjoying the little things in life.

There is a reason why most moms will say that being a mom is “one of the greatest feelings in the world.” You can feel alive in a way like you never did before. You feel a different kind of purpose in your life. You know that little eyes are looking up at you and you want to make them proud. You are literally perfection in their eyes because you are “Mom.” You are their go-to, the one who makes them feel safe and secure, and the only mother they would ever want in their lives.

Mother’s Day is a day dedicated to you! This day recognizes all you do all year long. From the never-ending housework, to comforting meltdowns, to simply being a present and loving parent, your attention and time are always needed by your family. Being a mother is a full-time job; one that does not pay monetarily, but in ways that make you feel whole.

Know your worth and know you are worth so much, especially to your children! So put your feet up, grab a glass of wine, and put on your favorite show. Today is your day! Enjoy it because you undoubtedly deserve it.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Mom Guilt is Real

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

As moms, we honestly try our best. There is no magical handbook on how to handle every situation with our children. There are times we are completely overwhelmed and genuinely confused about the next best step when it comes to our children.

We created these beautiful and intelligent beings. However, as they grow older, we start to wonder, “Am I a good mom and am I doing a good job?”

We torment ourselves with guilt and anxiety sometimes. Perhaps you experienced “Mom Guilt” if you didn’t breastfeed your child, or maybe you didn’t breastfeed as long as you originally wanted to. If you went back to work, then you could feel guilty not spending enough time with your kids or being there to witness each milestone.

Sometimes you may need some alone time as a mom. Simply closing the door to use the bathroom can make moms feel guilty, especially as you see those little fingers under the door! Perhaps you and your partner finally scheduled a time to go out without the kids. While you are there, all you can think about is how much your kids would have loved the dessert you are eating, and if they miss you as much as you are missing them.

One of the most difficult experiences is having to discipline or teach your kids what is right and what is wrong. We may wonder, “Did I come across too strongly?” or “Did I need to raise my voice like that?” We sit there and dwell about what we could have done differently. Sometimes we may cry in bed or while driving, and it happens more often than we would prefer.

When finances are an issue, we can feel guilty about being unable to buy our kids things they may want. Going to the store with our kids can be a struggle, especially when they say, “Mommy, I want this.” Obviously we don’t have to buy our kids everything they want, but it does make us feel guilty when we can’t. Even when buying ourselves something, the thought crosses our mind, “I could be using this money to buy them something they need.”

As women we tend to analyze what we do or what we say to our children. This just shows how much we care about the well-being and happiness of our kids. So if you need a moment alone to take a shower, you look the other way when your kid’s eyes are glued to a cellphone, or you really don’t have any energy left when they say, “Mommy watch me,” just remember that every person has a limit. We are only able to give so much and if we are on “empty” then there is nothing left to give. We deserve to give ourselves a break sometimes, and this includes replacing self-judgment with self-love. You are doing great mama! If you don’t believe me, just go ask your children how much they love you!

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

To my unborn child

I’m thinking about you.

You don’t know me and I don’t know you, but somehow you have managed to steal my heart.

There is a huge spot inside of me just waiting for you.  

I already feel your fingers intertwined with mine.

I picture the theme in your room; the colors on the wall.

I hear your laugh already and recognize that baby smell on you.

I picture us watching movies together and exploring outdoors.

I smile watching you figure things out.

I see you. I feel you.

I shed tears thinking how happy you will make me.

For now you are just a dream, but the greatest dream I could have.

Soon we will meet, and until then, I will be thinking of you my sweet child.

Love Always,

Your Mama

Address It Don’t Suppress It

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Sometimes, even with our crazy schedules, we are lucky to have a brief moment to sit and think. For a split second we can reflect on life; to think of our pastimes. Many were wonderful, unforgettable memories and some we may want to forget. In fact, if we could put some of those memories in a box and throw away the key, we would.

Some people hold on to their past, making them feel immobile at times. During these instances, consider acknowledging your past. Your pain is trying to get your attention so that your heart can begin to heal. If you prefer keeping that box closed forever, that is completely your prerogative.  You may not be interested in addressing these issues, or they may be too painful to discuss right now. Perhaps consider waiting for a time if and when you are ready.

The key is you never have to forget your pain, but recognize it exists. Some people try to block their pain. Typical methods are alcohol, food, pills, and so forth, all in order to try to forget. These coping mechanisms may appear to work but they too come with their own pain and baggage. They can weigh you down, negatively affect your daily life, and impact the relationships with those you love.

Remember that every day you get up and breathe; you exist. Some days you may be triggered by your past trauma and that is when to acknowledge it.  It is looking for recognition and to remind you how strong you are, because you made it through it. You made it through the trenches.  

Think of it as a cut. A cut hurts and burns, but then it will start to scab. Once it is fully healed, it may leave a permanent scar. Scars tend to fade over time and they become less and less visible. However, a scar, as faded as it may become, will remain as a reminder that it was once there. It will be a part of you; a part of you that once endured something painful. Sometimes if you touch it, it can still hurt and feel sensitive. The pain may never fully leave you, but you can and will move past it, when you are ready.

Examine your past and allow it to guide you towards the things you want and desire for yourself and your life. You deserve everything life has to offer. Surround yourself with those who make you happy and those who make you feel loved. Try to forgive if possible, depending on the severity of the situation of course. You may need a professional’s assistance and that is okay too. A helping hand may be necessary and there is no shame in receiving support.

The world can feel so lonely at times but the truth is you are never alone. Someone out there thinks you are incredible, worthy, and perfect, even with your painful scars.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

How To Forgive When Still Holding On

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

We tend to hold on to things that hurt us. Many people remember the exact moment someone lied, they felt betrayed, or they felt broken.

In fact, some adults still become upset when talking about their childhood bully, the best friend who stopped talking to them for no reason, or the friend who went out with the guy they liked. Some people remember it like it was yesterday. 

Likewise, it is so difficult to forgive a partner you love or once loved. Whether your partner strayed from the relationship, lied to you repeatedly over the years, or hurt you physically, emotionally, or mentally; the pain is still there and we are reminded of it every time we get into an argument or start dating someone new. These times remain as triggers, which can be hard to manage.

Lastly, some adults have a challenging time moving past their upbringing. Whether you felt your parents always favorited your sibling, a parent left the house making you feel abandoned or alone, or you endured physical or verbal abuse; those moments impact our lives in more ways than we feel comfortable admitting.

So what do you do with all of this anger and pain? Firstly, offer yourself recognition for making it through these difficult times. For some, it is a daily struggle to function and to make it through each day. Secondly, you could try to forgive, but you never have to forget.

This task can feel impossible for some individuals. However, if we start seeing ourselves as survivors, then the healing process can potentially begin. When attempting to forgive those who hurt us, we could consider, what if the “bullies” were previously tormented or bullied themselves? Perhaps those who commonly lie are battling their own insecurities, particularly their fear of potentially losing you or the fear of you seeing them differently, so lying makes their lives more manageable. Maybe your parents were behaving in a way which felt “normal” or “right” to them, and many people say they would “do things differently” if they could turn back time.

There really is no “good excuse” for hurting another individual. Still, sometimes people do feel remorse and regret. Many people simply have a tough time admitting their mistakes and what they did wrong because it makes them feel sad, embarrassed, or badly about their actions. This never has to excuse any hurtful behaviors, but it could help to understand them.

This whole process is personal, so you could say it, write it, or simply think it, if/when you are ready. Perhaps talking to a professional may be the best option for you, especially if something is too personal to talk about with a friend or relative. Either way, the choice is yours. You have the power to finish your story any way you see fit, and YOU undeniably deserve your own happy ending!

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

One Year Later

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

A year ago, lives were changed forever. It was the day innocent lives were taken at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, for reasons which are still hard to understand. February 14 now has a different meaning to many people. A day always known for representing love is now associated with one of our nation’s worst tragedies.

Since then, a number of students transferred to others schools; others stayed. Some graduated; others went to Washington, D.C., and made historic moves. Several can be seen all over social media and even on our televisions. We thank each and every one of you because all of you represent CHANGE.

Change must start somewhere and it started at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. School safety has been the main priority here in Parkland; the name of a city people will never forget. Individuals from all over have come to help physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

Money has been raised to assist those who have been affected. Fresh meals have been dropped off to those who could use a helping hand. Stores and restaurants raised money for those who couldn’t fathom going back to work after the tragedy. Bumper stickers saying “MSD Strong” can still be seen on people’s cars. 

A sense of community exists like never before. Acquaintances became friends; friends became family. When regular things like working, cooking, taking care of the house, etc. felt impossible, others came in to help. Thank you to everyone who made a gesture, big or small, because it undoubtedly made a difference in someone’s life.

For many, it is still a daily struggle to cope. Talking to a professional has helped countless individuals, some professionals even volunteering their services at no cost. Talking to those who were there during that time who also experienced the trauma could be more of a fit for you, especially since they personally understand the lasting effects it can have on a person. You know yourself better than anyone else, so do what works best for you.

Self-care is also important. Trust how you are feeling and remember to go at a pace that you feel comfortable with. Try to rest mentally and physically, and taking time for yourself is never a negative thing. Grief, fear, anxiety, lack of sleep, sometimes even anger, will linger for some time. All should start to get better over time. You may be triggered at times, and that is okay too. Give yourselves a chance to heal.

Being in the “present” can be hard when you are in a state of mind you never thought you would be in.  Keeping yourselves around those you love and those who make you happy can help make things more manageable. It will take time to move forward, but our community is making it clear--we are all in this together. Continue to soar high Eagles! We are all so proud of you!

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

The Impact of Your Words

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

We all have this idea of life. Particularly, what it is, what it should be, and what is considered “normal.” Some people tend to have a difficult time accepting others who don’t follow these “norms” we have created for one’s lifetime. For instance, many people are told to go to school, get a job, get married, and to have kids one day. When people stray from this order, others tend to come in and try to “help,” not necessarily realizing the impact of their words.

Typical opinions/advice are in regards to one’s child-rearing, relationships, occupation, spending habits, lifestyle, and so forth. Here are some questions to consider.

What if she actually lost 80 pounds and that outfit makes her feel beautiful; something she has not felt in quite some time? What if he is not slacking off, but he is just too ashamed to admit he needs help in school? What if she has been trying and she can’t get pregnant? What if they really never wanted children? What if they lost their house because their medical bills were too high after she got sick, not because they weren’t working hard enough?

It is difficult to adjust to a life you always envisioned going differently. For example, some people thought they would have children or a family of their own by a certain age. Comments as to what a person does not have or should have done differently in their lives can feel judgmental and hurtful at times, even if you are coming from a ”good place.”

It is also difficult to effectively adapt to a new life, after living a life you felt so comfortable with at one point. For instance, the loss of a loved one can leave a person feeling lost, lonely, or different than the person they once were. Life can be completely altered after losing a job, battling a sickness, and so forth. As it is said, “Time heals all wounds,” but we have no idea at which point a person is in that process, so remember to be mindful of your responses.

Assumptions can be hurtful. Words can be hurtful. However, your words can also cause change, positively impact another person’s life, and can help heal wounds on someone’s heart. This holiday season, be mindful to spread love. Do your part in making kindness contagious.

Countless people around us are feeling discouraged, unwanted, or helpless. Offer a helping hand, compliment another individual, and remind yourselves that a person’s “weakness” may actually be their greatest strength. Help them notice how incredible they are, just in case they may have forgotten. Lastly, remember to offer the same consideration and kindness to yourself. We tend to be our own worst critics, but there are others around you who think you are absolutely perfect.

Wishing you all a happy and unforgettable holiday season!

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Faithful To The Unfaithful— 5 Reasons Why Women Stay In Relationships After Their Partners Have Strayed

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Being cheated on has been described as one of the most heart-wrenching experiences one can face. Some have shared feeling numb, constantly anxious, and extremely betrayed after finding out about the infidelity. Still, every woman undoubtedly has the right to choose to forgive her partner or to move on from the relationship, depending on what she personally feels is right.

Here are 5 main reasons why women stay in relationships after their partners have strayed.

Time:

After years of being with someone, many women can’t fathom having to “let go” of a relationship. The mere thought causes extreme anxiety and panic. Even though these women are aware that their partners have been unfaithful, the idea of “throwing it all away” doesn’t make sense. Some consider the years of memories they created together. There is a sense of comfort felt within a relationship that is formed throughout the years. For some women, that comfort is irreplaceable and worth fighting for.

Fear:

There is an enormous fear to “start over” after finding out that a partner has cheated. After years of being with the same person, some women feel afraid to start over with someone new. They imagine sleeping next to a new partner at night, picture themselves being intimate with this new person, and can feel insecure about showing their bodies to someone different. The thought of dating again and the fear of rejection appear to intimidate some women causing them to think twice and to stay with their current partners.

Guilt:

Guilt has an enormous impact when deciding to stay or to leave a partner who has cheated, especially if children are involved. Many women feel guilt and think about the potential effects of separation on their children. They worry how their kids will adjust or how their children will grow up without both parents living under one roof.

Belief in Change:

Some women live with the mentality that everyone deserves a second chance. Many women also believe that people can change, including their partners. When love is involved, you want to see the goodness in people, even when they have hurt you tremendously. With this in mind, numerous women have stayed in relationships after discovering that their partners have strayed. Some shared that attending therapy helped their partners to change. Others mentioned that thoroughly discussing their issues helped strengthen their weaknesses and made them stronger.

Finances:

One of the most common reasons women stay with their unfaithful partners is the fear of being financially independent. Even in our modern world, many women rely on their partners to financially support them. It can be frightening to be on your own, especially after being with someone for so many years. Sometimes the fear of the unknown and feeling financially tied to a partner can result in forgiveness and moving forward with the relationship.

The power of love can make us do things in life we can’t explain. In the end, staying together or separating after infidelity is a personal choice. The choice is yours and no one else’s. You are the expert of your own life. Sometimes you may feel lost. During those times, your heart will always guide you!

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

What Is My Kid Trying To Tell Me?

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

There are moments which completely confuse parents. For instance, tantrums, slamming doors, and talking back are all experiences we tend to question. Simply put, why are our children behaving this way?

During these times of feeling disrespected by your children, challenge and ask yourself, “What Is My Kid Trying To Tell Me?” Their actions have meaning. Whether it be, “Mom, I still need you but I need space right now because I am frustrated and I don’t know how to put into words why.”  Or rather, “Dad, I am glad you are there for me, but I feel like you don’t always respect that I am getting older and I am starting to form my own opinions about how I would prefer to do things.”

It truly is difficult balancing the roles of a parent. You may believe there should only be one role-- to parent. Absolutely, but learning more about your child and actually getting to know the wonderful human you created can help strengthening your relationship with your child, so why not try to understand them on a deeper level?

Kids yearn for independence but they do not realize that they are not physically, mentally, or emotionally capable of handling certain experiences on their own yet. However, they still want to try. They crave to do things on their own. Give them a chance to do things by themselves before you move in to help. Obviously, assess each situation. If it something can hurt them or another individual, then you definitely will need to intervene as their parent.

Sometimes us trying to “help” is simply trying to make that process go as fast as possible, because there never seems to be enough time. However, if they want to cook, cook with them. Spending quality time together will help you get a better understanding of your child and you may be pleasantly surprised by the conversations you will have together. If they want to do their own hair, let them. For example, you could ask them if they need help getting that bump near their ponytail and so forth. The odds are they will most likely ask you for your assistance, but offering them the space to attempt certain things on their own will make them stronger and more independent individuals.

Kids are just that…kids. They may not always listen the first time you ask them to do something and they may respond with, “I don’t feel like it.” Undoubtedly, it is your responsibility as their parent to teach them right from wrong, but perhaps remind yourselves that they have a personality of their own and they will challenge or question you just as you may when someone asks you to do something.

Choose your battles. One day they will grow up and these moments may not happen anymore. You will remember these times and hopefully smile. These are the memories of your kids, your family, and your life. Remember to share these stories with your kids one day. It may seem silly but your kids will love hearing stories of how they drove you crazy. You will make it through these tough years and one day you may wish to re-live them all over again.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

How Dating Could Save Your Marriage

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

In the beginning, we could not wait to go out with our significant others. Dating was fun, exciting, and something we looked forward to every week. We actually went out of our way to make these times enjoyable and spontaneous. Yet, over time we somehow become “regulars” at certain restaurants and “Netflix and chill” becomes a literal translation.

Sometimes we tend to forget what we once adored about our partners. The key is to continue noticing your spouse and remind yourselves that you actually enjoy each other’s company.  Dating each other can help.

Start by surprising each other with a date. Take turns planning these outings. Remember to be positive and open-minded during your dates. Refrain from sharing negative opinions about where you are going, the food you are eating, or how late it is getting. Be a pleasant date. For some reason, we tend to get a little too comfortable with each other over the years and we can sometimes lose our manners, making our partners feel unappreciated and undervalued.

Make eye contact with each other—actually look at one another. See your partner and hold that hand you once squeezed so tightly. If you are feeling daring, surprise your partner with a kiss. Push yourselves out of your comfort zone.

There had to be a time when “butterflies” were regularly felt the moment you saw each other and laughter is what made you realize how wonderful you are together. People can become intimidated when too much time passes by and they think it is just “too late.” This can add anxiety and pressure, sometimes resulting in both individuals not wanting to initiate any form of change.

Some couples even get used to going out in groups or with other couples. This can be due to both individuals feeling uncomfortable about going out alone, especially if you tend to bicker when it is just the two of you or perhaps you don’t know what to talk about when you are alone. Going to watch a movie can be a good start for the two of you in this case, as not much talking is required at a movie theater. A comedy will bring laughter and undoubtedly lighten the mood.

Doing something different can be fun as well. Go to a local food festival, buy tickets to a concert, or challenge yourselves to sky-diving! Sky-diving may be a bit too much but immersing yourselves into unfamiliar settings can actually bring you closer together, especially when you are both experiencing something for the first time.  

Be aware that your partner may unknowingly “deny” your idea to go out somewhere. This may be due to your spouse not being used to changing things up, not realizing you are putting yourself out there, or the fact that your partner is so exhausted with everything going on in life that the thought of adding something else may feel too overwhelming.

Either way, keep trying! Little gestures help to keep the romance alive and well. Eventually, all the pieces will fall into place and create a beautiful picture of who you once were and will continue to be as a couple. This picture may change over the years, but it will always remain unique and beautiful.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Is There A Bully in Your Relationship?

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Every couple argues. It is impossible for two people to agree on everything, all of the time. There is a difference, however, between disagreeing and feeling coerced into agreeing with your partner. Some behaviors we experience with our partners can be considered “bullying behaviors.” Below are some signs to look out for when reflecting on your own relationship.

When communicating, do you or your partner frequently interrupt or talk over each other as one tries to speak? It’s understandable to be excited and want to add to a story, but it can appear rather aggressive if either of you have no regard for the other person’s input. This can make people feel invisible, ignored, and disrespected.

Perhaps you or your partner often tell each other, “You’re wrong,” “Shut up,” or mock one another when speaking. These actions can feel embarrassing and demeaning, especially if they are stated in front of a group of people. This can cause individuals to slowly push away their partners and may potentially impair healthy communication.

There is also a difference between a request and a command. Do either one of you come across as “bossy,” regularly telling your partner what to do instead of asking for things? People need to feel respected and appreciated, so the way you deliver a message may be too intense and sound like a command rather than a request. This may result in our partners feeling undervalued and overlooked.  Saying “please” and “thank you” can help. Sometimes we get a little too comfortable with each other, especially after being with our partners for many years. Remember to talk to each other with the same level of respect and consideration you would offer a friend or family member.

By the same token, are you or your partner overly critical of each other? For instance, do you frequently criticize the other’s job, financial status, or make negative comments regarding their side of the family? Perhaps you have made multiple comments about their physical physique, such as weight gain, normal signs of aging, etc. This can cause people to feel insecure and unwanted. There is no need to repeatedly point out these observations. People already know and feel these changes, so perhaps display empathy and a sense of understanding as these changes can feel unfamiliar and sometimes too difficult to accept.

Question the roles in your relationship. Is there a bully present? If so, consider discussing these points with your partner. Remind yourselves that we are all human. Everyone makes mistakes, but we need to own up to them when they happen. Simply admit, acknowledge, and apologize when your words or actions hurt your partner. It will not make you any less of a person, even though being vulnerable can make us feel that way sometimes. That discomfort you may feel is simply growth; embrace it and be proud of yourselves. It takes maturity to admit our faults and integrity to continue growing as a person. Keep growing, keep learning, and never stop trying.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.