DR. CELESTE OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT
As children, and even as adults, we crave love from our parents. There is an inherent part of us that wants to make them proud. We want to be noticed. We want to stand out, at times even amongst our siblings. This does not necessarily mean in a competitive manner; however, we just want to know that we matter.
Some children crave love and affection from their parents and when it is not received, this may result in children acting out in negative ways. Children may not know how to properly vocalize how they feel and what they need. Therefore, their behaviors may include talking back, starting arguments with their siblings, and doing poorly in school, just so they can receive your individualized attention.
As an adult, you may still yearn for this type of relationship from your parents. You may notice that starting conversations is rather difficult, you may not have many things in common, and there are countless awkward moments when you are around each other.
If you have children of your own, you may become particularly defensive around your parents as they try to give you parenting advice. This may be due to the resentment you have toward them that has been building inside of you. You may even make snide comments toward them and think to yourself, “You’re giving me advice?”
Odds are, your parents do not understand why you are so angry toward them. Most parents believe they did the best they could, and when their kids share examples of what they did “wrong” parents appear completely dumbfounded and sometimes even defensive. Instead of apologizing for the way they made their child feel, they may share a defensive response like, “Well you don’t remember how crazy you used to drive us. You never listened...”
It is rather difficult for parents to take accountability especially when they truly feel they made the best possible decisions. They may even tell you, “You’ll see when you have kids.” Yet, the anger you feel and the love you crave remain.
The way to resolve these issues is to have a heart-to-heart conversation in a calm, controlled manner. The problem is that conversations never really happen this way. Our emotions, anger, and pride get in the way of being completely vulnerable, so we rarely communicate in ways that are effective and beneficial.
Going to a family therapist or asking other family members for support may help. A mediator may need to be present so that thoughts and opinions can be shared in ways that are actually heard. Otherwise, the same cycle will continue and change may be nonexistent.
This may be completely overwhelming for you to address at this time. So if and when you are ready, gather your thoughts and consider what you would say and what you need to hear from your parents. If your parents are deceased, consider writing a letter stating everything you would have told them. Some people burn the letter afterwards; others put it in a box and randomly read it when they need to. This process is completely up to you. If and when you are ready, you will start to heal and receive the closure you need.
Celeste Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.