How to Have More Intimacy with Your Partner

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

You know there is a problem. It may be hard to say aloud, but you know it’s there. You feel yourselves drifting apart. One of the main factors may be related to the level of intimacy in your relationship.  This can be rather complex, as there is no specific definition of what is “normal” when it comes to feeling connected with your partner. Each relationship is different and has its own set of hardships and struggles, so keeping the “spark” alive is an individualized process for each couple.

Here are several ways to increase intimacy in your relationship.

Randomly Touch:

Touch can bring two people together, especially when it is so desperately craved. Random touch will show your partner that you still care and that you are still “into” them. Run your fingers through their hair like you used to, plant a random kiss on their forehead, or look directly into their eyes when they walk into a room. Gently caress their face when you see they are having a bad day. This will send a shiver down their spine knowing you still want them. Randomly touching one another can feel erotic, but most importantly, make each other feel loved and desired.

Have Fun:

Don’t let pride or anger get in your way. Have fun with each other. Use humor to lighten the mood and remember to laugh with one another. Go watch a funny movie together, go grab a cup of coffee and chat, or simply walk around your neighborhood, giving yourselves a chance to catch up. Schedule a time to have alone time, even if it is just watching television in bed. Scheduling a time may seem odd, but with our crazy schedules, sometimes it may be the only option for now. It can definitely be a good start.

Compliment:

Compliment your partner in order to show appreciation for who they are and what they do every day. Thank your partner for going to work today, for doing the dishes last night, or for giving the kids a bath. The key is to “notice” your partner’s strengths, but you can’t do so if you are not looking anymore. Pointing out their positive qualities can offer your partner the recognition they may have been needing from you, leading to an increase in intimacy and feeling connected.

The more time that passes before you discuss your intimacy issues, the more uncomfortable it can become to start the conversation. The option of going to see a professional is always there, but if you prefer to handle it on your own, don’t be intimidated. You both have known each other for quite some time so if you are feeling vulnerable, the odds are your partner may as well. The spark between the two of you can still be there; just don’t forget to keep lighting it. 

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

When Should I Seek Help for My Unhappy Marriage?

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

It’s a horrible feeling to know you are unhappy being married to your spouse. It may be a recent feeling, or something you have felt for years. Perhaps an affair caused you both to disconnect or maybe once your kids were born you felt invisible? It could also be possible you don’t know how to openly talk to each other anymore. You know how you feel but it is hard to say it aloud, especially to your partner. You don’t want to hurt your spouse, so you continue on with your daily routines, hoping things will get better.

Seeking help from friends, family, or a professional may prove to be a valuable option for the two of you. Sometimes an outside perspective is essential because you may be so engulfed in negativity and anger that you can become blind to solutions and change.

Perhaps you tried a therapist, and it “didn’t work.” In actuality, the therapist may not have been a good fit for you. Not all personalities click and a particular therapist may not “get you,” and that is okay. It’s not a “one-size-fits-all” kind of thing. Perhaps challenge yourself and consider trying again with someone new. Hence why people say marriage is “hard work,” because it takes work to continue making it wonderful and long-lasting.

If you want to try to figure this out on your own, then focus on being open and direct with your partner, in a respectful and considerate manner. For instance, if you want your spouse to come home earlier from work, then explain why it is important to you. Sometimes people genuinely don’t realize the importance of a decision they are making and the lasting negative effects it can have on those they love.

Your partner is not your enemy. In fact, you want to keep things amicable and approachable no matter what happens, especially if kids are involved. If you are sad or angry, let your partner know. Give your spouse a chance to do something about it. Be specific about what you want and need. Offer real examples about things your partner has done in the past which hurt you, and share what changes you would prefer and need, just in case you find yourselves in a similar situation in the future. Request feedback from your spouse, so that changes could be made from your side as well.

Force yourselves to talk about things which have been hidden under the rug for years. Create a space where you can actually hear one another. A space that feels safe, non-judgmental, and one that won’t have consequences. In other words, your partner may already know that being honest with you comes with being ignored by you for several days, or will result in a yelling match, so your spouse may shut down and suppress genuine feelings.

Instead, press the brakes a bit. Take things one step at a time. There is no need to rush if you promise yourselves that you will have the rest of your lives to figure it out.  Be kind, loving, but most importantly, patient, especially when a love like yours is worth it.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Repeat after me...I CAN DO IT!

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Remember when you were a child and people would ask you what you want to be when you grow up? Their question was obviously referring to an occupation, but taking a deeper look now as an adult, are you even close to that person you envisioned?

Perhaps you went down a route that was better than your childhood dreams? The fundamental question to ask yourself now is, “Are you happy?” If not, then what would you change about your life? Essentially, think of the first step you would have to take in order to be a person who can proudly say, “I am happy.”

For instance, if you have been telling yourself you want a new job, then you could start looking and sending out your resume. It can feel great to put yourself out there. If you have been wanting to make new friends, then maybe you could start connecting with people around you. Send a friend you were close to in high school a Facebook message or ask the woman who always says hello to you at your kid’s sports practice to go get a cup of coffee with you.

If you have been wanting to get back into shape, then schedule time to get a quick workout in. Many people think of working out and getting healthy with an “all or nothing” mentality. A common phrase is, “I’ll start my diet on Monday.” This can make change feel intimidating. Due to your schedule, perhaps you can only work out once a week right now for fifteen minutes. A fifteen-minute workout is better than not working out at all and there is no doubt you will start feeling better about yourself.

As random as these suggestions may be, they are the beginning of something different in your life. Resolutions are not just for the new year. Goals can be accomplished at any time. Those goals simply need to be realistic. The key is to figure out how to get there. Create a timeline for yourself. Tell yourself what you would like to do by the end of this week, the end of this month, and by the end of this year, then go for it.

Although it may sound cliché, ask for help if you need it. Dealing with certain things on your own can be beyond your threshold. Change is not easy. If it were, then no one would have a problem doing it.

Utilize the resources you may have—friends, family, or even a professional. Take the support and seize your opportunities. If you fail, start over. Go at your own pace and don’t be afraid to alter your vision if needed.

Tomorrow you may be intrigued by something else. If you want it, then go get it! Your world is yours to discover. Have fun, live healthy, and love hard—especially for yourself.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Keep on Fighting Eagles

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

It has been heard and felt around the world. The horrific tragedy which took place on Valentine’s Day at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. On a day which should have represented love—pain was felt instead.

As a parent, you could not imagine how those who lost their children that day must feel. In fact, there aren’t really words for that kind of pain. We all try to make sense of it and question why it happened, but no answer is will ever be good enough.

For those of you who were there that day, every day since must be undoubtedly hard; some days unbearable. Simply passing by the school or re-entering it must cause thoughts and emotions too heavy to explain. Coping may be something you are still trying to figure out. As cliché as it may sound, talking about it can help. Whether it be with a friend, family member, or even a professional, letting out your thoughts, fears, and concerns may prove to be beneficial. It may be now or a year from now, but the path to healing is personal and uniquely yours, so go at your own pace and comfort level.

We all now look at schools differently. A place once considered a safe haven for children is being redefined. The anxiety and fear felt by so many is real. Parents all over the nation fear for their children’s safety. People question when the last time will really be the last time. When will change finally happen?

The answer is now. From billboards, to every news station, to the White House, voices are being heard. A movement is taking place, because the students of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School bravely took a stand. The community, as a whole, came together creating unity. Funds have been raised for children’s medical bills, for school safety, and for students to march in Washington, D.C.

Change is coming; change is happening. Children are literally marching for their lives because they understand that their lives are worth so much. Their bravery is unarguably mesmerizing and rare. Due to their actions, more children will be protected. Thank you to all of you beautiful souls out there.

Soar high Eagles. Continue to be the wings for us all. We are here for you and our community will continue to be strong. #MSDStrong #ParklandStrong

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Do you resent your relationship with your partner?

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Sometimes, after many years of being together, it can become difficult to remember the reason you fell in love with your partner. The amount of stress we are under every day can really get to us. It does not help if you feel like your partner is adding to that stress.

Here are three key factors to remember during times of uncertainty in your relationship.

Comparing is competing:

 
Comparing is a recipe for disaster. It is neither helpful nor healthy for a relationship. Who did more? Who dropped off the kids to school more often?  Who cooks more? Who does grocery shopping more often? Who makes more money? It really shouldn’t matter, because if you are a team, the idea is to win and you can’t always win on your own.

Yelling is belittling:

We all yell at each other sometimes, but yelling can feel as if your partner is belittling you. It makes you feel small and insignificant. Take a moment to walk away when things get heated. Regroup and return to the conversation when both of you are ready to speak to each other calmly. This way, you can actually hear each other rather than shut down and tune out what your partner is saying.

Appreciation is vital:

Treat your partner like you would treat a stranger. Say please if you need something. Say thank you when your partner hands you something. Actually listen to your partner and make eye contact when in conversation, just as you would when a friend is talking to you.

Undoubtedly, it can get tiring catering to someone else’s needs. Sometimes you may think, what about me? The point is to build a life while we are here on this earth. For many, that includes building a family. Sure, it has its ups and downs. Sometimes the downs may be way down, but what goes down will go back up.

Take a look back at your relationship. It may be assumed it too has had its ups and downs. Remember those “up” moments when you reach a point of uncertainty in your relationship. If those times appear so long ago or too unfamiliar, then it may not hurt to get an outside perspective.

The odds are that you both want the same things, but your methods of communication may be off balance. In this case, consider talking to close relatives, friends, or even a professional regarding ways to understand each other better. It may not be a bad idea to talk to those around you when you need support or insight into a problem. If that does not appeal to you or seem feasible, then there are always professionals who specialize in these types of issues and can assist you during these difficult times.

At the end of the day, remember that life is meant to be happy. It is even better when we have someone we love to share it with.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Why is staying “in love” so hard?

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

When we first meet our partner, we could not imagine life without that person. As the years progress, there are moments when things can become complicated and challenging. The love is still there, but sometimes it is hard to feel it. Why is that?

Exhaustion:

People are literally exhausted nowadays. The to-do list seems never-ending and there are not enough hours in the day to complete everything we need to do. While we are tired and stressed out, we may feel as if our partner is not doing enough. Perhaps you don’t always feel appreciated for everything you do? Odds are that both of you are feeling the same way. Sometimes even being intimate may feel like another chore because you are so tired.

Communicate with your partner.  Tell your partner what you desire, what you need, and what you envisioned your relationship would look like after all these years.  It is possible that your partner has been wanting the same things, but didn’t know how to tell you or was afraid of how you would react.

Parenting Disagreements:

Every individual has a different idea of how to raise a child. Even though your styles may be similar, they can slightly differ. This could mean disagreeing on which school your child should go to, an appropriate curfew time, or how to discipline your child. In today’s world, this can also include whether or not to put your child on medication to focus better in school or to sleep better at night; topics commonly disagreed upon by couples. These topics can add negativity to a solid relationship.

Remind yourselves that you both want the best for your child.  Kids watch you, they hear you, and they learn from you, so be the example you want them to learn from. This includes the way you interact with others, the way you handle stress, and the way you live each day.

Financial Stress:

As we get older, we have more financial responsibilities, especially if children are present. This can be stressful as health insurance, bills, and weekend activities with the family appear to increase every year. This can cause a strong, stable couple to turn on one another. When people are in a bind and stressed out, it is easier to point fingers and to place blame on someone else, which typically ends up being your partner. This can lead to examining your partner’s spending habits or questioning if your partner needs to bring in more money monthly. These are “hot” topics, which can cause a strain within a relationship, especially if one does not feel appreciated for what they already do and contribute.

Sometimes you may be at a high point in your relationship and everything feels right and great. Other times, you may hit a low point. During these times, make it a point to confront your issues head on. Do not be scared or nervous to talk to your partner. It may be uncomfortable to say what you are thinking and feeling, but it may be worse if the issues are not tackled or dealt with.

Your love is real and wonderful in so many ways. Cherish it and nurture it and when you need to, remind yourselves why you initially fell in love because that reason has kept you two together to this day.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

New Year. New Resolutions.

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

A new year means new resolutions. These could be minor to major changes in your life. Whether it be a new hairstyle or switching to a new career path, people tend to create new goals once the new year starts. Here are some common topics to help guide you as you consider your own resolutions this year.

Health:

Many people say they want to start eating healthy or lose a few pounds every year. However, do what makes you feel good. Be the size you want to be and eat the dessert if you want. Just make sure you feel comfortable and content with yourself.  Additionally, try to get more sleep and exercise when you can, as both help to reduce stress. The point is to be healthy and happy. If you are not, then you may want to reconsider certain decisions. If you are unsure how to do this, then perhaps you could talk to a family member, friend, or even a professional who can help you with your new journey.

Family:

Tell your family members you love them when you can, spend more quality time with those you care about, and maybe even plan a family vacation. Perhaps you could mend a broken relationship you have with a specific relative. Grabbing a cup of coffee together may help break the ice, but if that appears too intimidating then use a buffer, such as another relative or a family therapist to help mediate. If more boundaries are what you looking for, then create them. Sometimes people spend too much time with family, causing them to feel suffocated. This is the new year, which means things can be done under your terms. Again, the point is to be happy so live in a way that works for you.

Goals:

We all have plans for the future. We may not know exactly what those plans are or how to get there yet, but the idea is to create goals for the life we always envisioned for ourselves. What have you always wanted to do? Consider your past goals; did you hit any of them? If not, then why? What do you think has stopped you from attaining your goals? This year, start creating baby steps to get to where you want to be financially, emotionally, and physically. Your life may not be exactly how you always pictured it would be at your age and that is okay too.

The key is to keep on thinking. Think about the person you want to be, the life you always wanted, and the places you want to go. You may not get there entirely this year, but at least you are moving in a positive direction. Forward is forward. Every time you catch yourself going somewhat backwards, just remember to add it to the list next year! Have a Happy New Year everyone!

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Handling Holiday Stress

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

The holidays are quickly approaching.  For some, the idea of the holiday season signifies family, laughter, presents, fun, and so much more. Still, as magical as this time can be, the holiday season comes with some strings attached.  

Finances

There is an immense pressure for people to buy presents during the holidays. Years ago, a tradition somehow started encouraging individuals to buy or make each other gifts for the holidays to show that they are being thought of and loved. We can all admit that it feels good to know that others care about us. It is not about the monetary value of the gift, it is about the thought, so even a hand-made card can mean a lot.

If you are having a hard time financially around the holidays, then this can cause you excessive stress. Try to not turn on each other, like if your spouse goes and sneaks your son a new iPad. Look at the action and the meaning behind it. Make a plan and a budget, but just be aware that things may not always go as planned and that is okay too. You will make it through this, like the many times you did before.

Family

It can be hard to be around certain family members during the holidays. There may be unnecessary drama, complaints, or food we feel obligated to eat every year. Perhaps you are frustrated that you are the one always throwing the holiday parties? Maybe your parents are divorced and you are wondering how it will go this year? Whatever the reason, the holidays can be a high-stress environment for some. This can lead to feeling anxious, uncomfortable, and even exhausted.

What to do

Setting some boundaries may be helpful. For instance, decide early on how long you would like to stay before heading home. Stick with individuals you feel more comfortable with, even sitting next to them during dinner. If needed, go take a breather. You could pretend to be doing something in the kitchen or say you are getting something out of the car. Whatever it is, take a moment for yourself if you need it, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Remember, the holidays are not always a happy time for some people. Some miss their relatives who are no longer there to celebrate, leading to a change in their mood compared to previous years. Go there with an open mind. You may be surprised this year. You may start singing new holiday songs or playing new games. Join the fun. Create and offer new traditions as well, which appeal to you and your interests. Now take out the eggnog or your other favorite drinks and simply CELEBRATE. Celebrate life, the love you all share, and the many blessings which have come your way along the years. 

It may take a few days to regroup after the holidays, but the hope is that we will cherish those memories. The awkward moments, the loud laughter, and the excessive food all make it worth it. Happy holidays to you and your family!

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

We’re engaged. Now what?

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

It finally happened – your partner proposed! Your mind starts racing with ideas and the exciting adventures to come. You can’t stop staring at that beautiful ring on your finger and you are looking forward to planning your wedding. As the planning process begins, various topics will naturally come up between you and your partner, while other topics may not reveal themselves until after your wedding. Lack of discussion or agreement regarding certain topics, such as finances, children, and plans for the future, can negatively impact a relationship. In order to lessen or avoid potential conflicts, below are several important topics to discuss as a couple before marriage.

Finances:

Whether you are just starting off or well into your career, finances play an enormous role within a marriage. Unfortunately, bills need to be paid monthly. When money is tight, couples may turn on one another, as financial stressors can become too much to bare. Together, create a plan. Discuss where you both want to live, the number of hours per week you are both willing to work, and if one of you prefers to be a stay-at-home parent. If you desire a certain lifestyle, you will have to determine if it is possible considering your household income. People envision their lives a certain way, so making sure you and your partner see eye-to-eye is essential.  

Family:

What will your family look like one day? Will it just be the two of you or are kids included in the picture? Oddly enough, countless couples never discuss whether or not they plan on having children, some not even knowing if their partners want children at all. Perhaps you have had this conversation, but did you both come to an agreement that you will have children right away or wait a few years? Additionally, if you both practice different religions, will you raise your children believing in one or both faiths?

As overwhelming as these questions may be, they are necessary. Sometimes both individuals assume they know their partner’s stance on these topics, resulting in confusion and disagreements later on. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to your values, viewpoints, and beliefs. If not, try to reach some form of middle ground; essentially a compromise that will work for the two of you.

Goals:

We all have certain ideas and plans for our future. Sometimes our goals will be achieved, other times, we will question why we wanted those things in the first place. Over time, even our goals pertaining to our personal relationships can change. The longer you and your partner will be together, the more you will evolve, grow, and see the world differently. We cannot be exactly the same person forever, as life does not work that way. Things you would never do or ideas you never believed in, suddenly may intrigue you.

Sometimes people feel confused, or even betrayed, when their partners start wanting different things in life. Try to not be intimidated by this as your partner simply will be creating new personal goals. It may appear as if they have “changed.” Change can be scary at times because is it something new and unfamiliar. Perhaps having an open mind that these experiences may one day happen will lessen future misunderstandings, anxiety, and even appear rather exciting; leading to a long and fulfilled relationship.

Discussing your expectations as a couple may prevent potential misunderstandings, unnecessary arguments, and so much more. You will not agree on everything and that is okay! Remember to learn from your disagreements, to be open to new possibilities, and most importantly, to always have fun together. You are the author of your own story. We may not know the ending of the book, but the beginning brought us to this point, and so far we’re on our favorite chapter.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Never Alone. Always Loved.

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Every October, our nation celebrates “Breast Cancer Awareness Month” in which we honor those who have battled breast cancer. Pink ribbons are commonly handed out at local events and nearby convenient stores, which serve to increase awareness of the disease. Although we all may not have personal experience with breast cancer, we all have been advised by our doctors over the years to frequently “check” ourselves. This means conducting a self-examination and scheduling an appointment for a yearly checkup.

Waiting for the results can be extremely nerve-racking and cause severe anxiety for many individuals. For some, the results come back negative. For others, perhaps a lump was found, giving you the news you never expected.

When a lump is found, the initial reaction tends to include panic, worry, and fear. Some fear if the lump is malignant and if it is indeed breast cancer. People also worry how their family members may take the news. Perhaps breast cancer is common in your family and you have mentally prepared yourself over the years, just in case. Either way, this can be the most terrifying time of your life.

During these moments, it may be useful to utilize a support group—relatives, friends, co-workers, or even a therapist. As uncomfortable as it may be, attempt to let others into your world. Carrying heavy news can be difficult even for the strongest person.

If you are someone who prefers to be physically alone, then online support groups may be a great option for you. There are several support groups online which include individuals dealing with similar experiences. For instance, dailystrength.org, cancercare.org, and nationalbreastcancer.org all offer online support and the ability to connect with those who are also fighting breast cancer.

During times of feeling helpless or overwhelmed, we can unknowingly push others away. Some individuals may not want to “burden” their loved ones and to ask for help is something they do not feel comfortable doing. However, informing others of what is going on during a life-altering time can offer your loved ones the opportunity to be present and supportive when it is truly needed. This can mean going to doctor appointments with you, keeping you company when you feel alone or lost, or even sending you random text messages telling you how much you are loved.

No one will ever know exactly how you feel, not even the best professionals. Others can understand, empathize, relate, and so forth, but your experiences are uniquely yours. Your emotions may change throughout this process, hence the term “emotional rollercoaster.” Just like a rollercoaster, you will have your ups and downs. During these times, look around you and see who is there. Hold on to those people and love those people as they love you, because if you have not noticed it already, they are coming along for the ride.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

A Cultural Guide to Acceptance

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

With everything going on in the world today, the world can appear scary sometimes. Every single day, news outlets cover stories discussing violence and tragedy. During these times, we tend to point fingers at one another and look for answers. We want to know, who is responsible? Which types of people are more likely to cause such horrible acts? This is how cultural division occurs. It is a lot easier to create separation and to other another group of individuals so that blame can be given to those who are different than we are.

With this mentality, we may miss the beauty surrounding us. We can be so fixated on how different we are instead of focusing on how similar we are to each other. We all feel pain. We all yearn for love. We all breathe the same air. Our cultures may be different, but many of us share similar values. Numerous cultures believe in family, love, and religion. Sure, the color of our skin may be different, the way we show love or the type of religion we practice may be diverse, but many of the principles we uphold are on the same spectrum.

When in doubt, challenge yourself to be open and understanding. Remember to learn, teach, and spread positivity.

Learn:

Immerse yourself into other cultures whenever you have the opportunity. For instance, try different foods. Your culture may eat rice but other cultures make rice in their own unique way, so taking yourself out of your comfort zone at times can be fun. Perhaps you could go with a friend to their church or temple. Many religions believe in God and spreading love and good faith. You may be pleasantly surprised how much your religion has in common with your friend’s faith. When we don’t understand things, we tend to push them away. Instead, remind yourself that you can always ask questions, clarify any misunderstandings, and most importantly, learn.

Teach:

We may not realize this, but we have an enormous influence on shrinking the division that exists in this world. Instead of ignoring or lecturing those who may not “get” us, teach. Even though we may not be teachers by occupation, we have the power to spread knowledge, inform those around us, and explain what we mean when we say or do things a certain way. One of the most detrimental ways of speaking is when we use the terms them or they loosely to discuss another group of individuals. This whole them against us mentality is what drives the separation in this world. Instead, if something horrific happens, it was the individual who committed the act, not the entire culture. We have the capability to make positive changes so that the next generation can see more promise and possibility than we were able to experience.

Spread positivity:

All of our personal experiences are real, to each of us. These experiences create our truths and reality, and lead us to our beliefs of how the world really is. However, remember to approach life, and those in it, with an open mind and positive outlook. The more we hear and see negativity in this world, the harder it is for us to close the gap that exists when trying to find peace.  When negativity approaches you, react with love. View others as not being ignorant, but with an open heart. Try to find the aspects that we have in common and how these factors undoubtedly connect us.

Try to be the positive example you wish to see in this world, even though it may seem impossible at times. Be a better person each day. Learn from your past and grow for your future. You have these strengths and capabilities. The speed of change and acceptance may not be as we envisioned, but the possibility for a better future gives us the hope we need to keep on trying.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families; www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

It’s that time again. Back to school!

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Another year has flown by and summer is coming to an end. It is time for kids to head back to school, which means buying school supplies, back-to-school clothing, and chaotic schedules. As the new school year starts, consider discussing certain expectations you may have of your child for this school year. Typically, children tend to struggle with maintaining their behavior, friendships, and grades, so exploring these topics may prove to be beneficial.

Behavior

Children sometimes act in ways that make us say, “What were they thinking?” For instance, when children do not have many friends, they may try to fit in with the other students by talking back to a teacher or allowing another student to cheat off of their paper during a test. From the outside perspective, it appears that the child behaved inappropriately, when in reality, all the child wanted was to fit in and to be accepted. This does not excuse the child’s behavior, but it offers an understanding as to what may be going on in a child’s mind. Perhaps discuss how you expect your child to behave at school and remind them what is appropriate and inappropriate, essentially giving them a heads up.

Friends

This may sound odd, but from time to time you may need to redefine what a friend is to your children. For instance, let them know that a friend is not someone who makes us feel badly about ourselves. In addition, a friend does not intentionally tease us to make others laugh at our expense. By the same token, as a friend, they too should not treat others in this manner. We expect our children to make good choices, but as parents, we need to play an active role in regards to whom our children are spending time with and how they interact with these individuals as well.

Grades

The older your children become, the more is expected of them academically. This pertains to more school work, more testing, and more teachers. All teachers have their own teaching style, so learning what each teacher expects of your child will help your child do well in that class. These types of conversations are helpful to have with your children and their teachers in order to alleviate any concerns or misunderstandings. Oddly enough, one of the main issues children deal with is having difficulty believing in their own capabilities, so reassuring them of their strengths will help tremendously and help them to succeed scholastically.

Discuss these expectations and get feedback from your child. Sometimes you may be surprised what frightens or causes your child anxiety. Perhaps there is another student who your child has had an issue with the year before, causing your child to worry about having to interact with that student again. It is also possible that your child may have heard that their new teacher is “hard” or “mean” resulting in your child feeling intimidated by simply entering their classroom on the first day of school.

As a parent you have the right to dictate your expectations. Still, make sure that these expectations are realistic. For instance, if your children play sports, it may be difficult for them to balance school work, a social life, and family time. Try to offer your thoughts and suggestions with an open mind, even when you and your child disagree on a particular topic. This allows children to feel validated and heard, in turn, strengthening the parent-child relationship.

In the end, the goal is to have a successful school year. There will be times when you feel overwhelmed and simply exhausted as a parent, but seeing your child succeed and flourish makes it all worth it. Best of luck to all children this school year!

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Contact her at 954-655-0718; www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

What’s love got to do with it? Possibly everything

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

As much as we may deny it, love is an overpowering experience that most of us want to feel. In fact, many of us yearn to be loved. Have you ever sat down and thought, “What does it mean to feel loved by my partner?” In essence, what is your partner doing during these specific times that makes you feel wanted and loved?

Touch: Touching can make people feel wanted but most importantly, feel loved.

What kind of touching do you crave from your partner? Have you ever discussed with your partner how you would like to be touched? For example, some people feel loved when their partners spontaneously hold their hands, or rest their feet on each other as they are watching television. These times simply depend on your preferences and comfort levels. It may feel awkward to talk about; however, open communication with your partner will lead you to effectively discussing your needs and desires. In turn, you will feel wanted, sought after, and loved.

Show appreciation- Feeling appreciated can make people feel valued, respected, and loved.

When do you feel appreciated by your partner? How do you show your partner that he/she is valued and appreciated? Small gestures like leaving a thoughtful post-it on your bathroom mirror, saying “I love you” before you leave the house, and offering one another random compliments such as “I really like your outfit” can positively shift a relationship and make each partner feel wanted, appreciated, and incredibly loved.

Be a team- Being a team and helping one another can make both individuals feel recognized, supported, and loved.

What part of your daily routine do you wish your partner could be more hands-on? Are your responsibilities as a couple divided fairly or in a way that works for both of you? Do both of you step it up when one is not feeling well or has to work late? Think of yourselves as being on the same team. Teammates look out for one another, pick up the slack when another needs help, and understand that they are all on the same level. You are not superior to one another. You are equals. Support each other always and you will undoubtedly feel loved. 

Offer emotional support- Actively listening to each other can make individuals feel recognized, acknowledged, and loved.

Do you normally feel as if your partner is not listening to you? People typically repeat themselves when they are not feeling heard. Make sure to be present for one another, physically and emotionally. Make eye contact when your partner is talking to you and try to sit or stay in one place when communicating. People can feel as if you are not listening to them or fully paying attention if you are walking around or doing things around the house. You may be beyond exhausted sometimes, but your partner still needs you. Discuss what you are able to physically and emotionally give your partner and what you are looking to receive as well.

Compromise- Relationships are all about give and take. Finding a balance can result in both of you feeling mutually respected and loved.

Does your partner make you feel like his/her opinion is more important than your opinion? Is it always about what he/she wants to do? This can cause individuals to feel unheard and invisible within their relationship. Sometimes people don’t compromise because they really don’t know how. Be upfront with your partner and essentially tell him/her what you would like or need and come to some form of middle ground. This may sound odd or wrong to you, but there is no right way to compromise. Do what works best for your relationship. The whole point is to feel happy, valued, and loved by your partner.

Be patient with one another. It takes time to make positive changes and to alter the way we interact with each other. The goal is to have a strong and solid relationship by doing what works best for you and your partner; something only you as a couple can define.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families. Contact her at 954-655-0718; www.TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

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Here’s to YOU, Dad

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Every year, during the month of June, we allot one day out of the year to celebrate a person who means so much to us—Dad. This Father’s Day, celebrate what you have built—a beautiful family who needs and adores you. Sure, some days may be hectic and stressful, but remember to look at your children and view them as they see you. You are their hero, their idea of what a man should be, and the man that makes their world fun.

Kids crave to spend time with their fathers. You are most likely exhausted by the time you come home from work, so create realistic goals as far as what you are able to do. Throw a ball around outside, watch a movie before bed, or play a game together on your tablet; whatever it is, your your kids will enjoy it, because they are spending individualized time with you. On the weekends, splurge. You could camp outside in your backyard or even check out Groupon deals for some fun, local adventures.

With everything going on, remember to also take time for yourself and try to relax. Go watch a game, grab a drink with a buddy of yours, or go for a run to clear your mind. Stress can get to us, which may cause us to react negatively at times. The more relaxed you are, the more patient and understanding you can be, which will positively impact those around you, especially your children.

Parenting may have changed over the years, but you will never forget the lessons you learned as a kid. Consider how you want your kids to think of you as a father and be that way for them. Reflect on what you would like to pass on to your kids; perhaps certain qualities that you deem to be essential. In addition, tell them stories about your life; ones that will help them to understand and relate to you on a deeper level, as their memories of you will last a lifetime.

Think of all the sacrifices you have made and know they are all worth it. It requires a strong drive to get up every day and go to work. It requires discipline to be present as a father, which is one of the greatest presents you can give to your children. Perhaps at times you may raise your voice more often than you would prefer, or you might not always say or do the right things. Nevertheless, remind yourself that parenting does not come with a magical handbook. You are still learning as a father and even though you may not have it all figured out, your kids will always love you unconditionally. Happy Father’s Day.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families in South Florida. Contact her at 954-655-0718; Info@TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

Here’s to YOU this Mother’s Day

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

The bond between a mother and her child is unlike any other. Remember the first time your fingers intertwined with their tiny hands? From the moment your child was born, your whole world shifted in a way like you never imagined. Being a mother is a full-time job; one that does not pay monetarily, but in ways you wish every individual in this world can experience.  

This Mother’s Day, celebrate what you have created. Look at your child and know that this unique being has been undoubtedly influenced by you.  Appreciate and acknowledge your efforts as a parent. Every ounce of love, time, and energy tends to be given to those around you instead of yourself.  From doing laundry, driving your kids to school and sports practice, and making time for your partner; the to-do list never seems to end.

Women juggle countless responsibilities such as work, children, spouses, friendships, and so much more. These factors may lead to increased levels of stress and exhaustion. Remember to take time for yourself whenever you can. Take a long bath, go get a pedicure, or buy yourself a new outfit. Perhaps schedule a time to meet up with a friend you have not seen in a while.

It can be therapeutic to discuss the emotions you feel as a mother with someone else who understands what you are going through. Some people meet with a therapist, others share their daily struggles with a relative or friend. This process will help you to relate to other mothers around you. Sometimes it is a comforting feeling to know that other moms are tired too, or that it is normal to cry in the shower when you are at your wits’ end.

Parenting is not easy. There will be days full of tantrums, outbursts, and even disagreements with your children. At times you may feel guilty, contemplating if you handled a particular situation well enough as a mother. You are learning every day as to what works and what can be improved. This is part of life and part of being a mother. 

Others may not always vocalize how much you do or mean to them, but know that you are irreplaceable. There is no one exactly like you. To your children you are Mom. You are their world, their definition of love, and their idea of home. Their lives are wonderful because you are in it. Standards are placed upon us by society which can sometimes make us feel negatively about ourselves. However, know your worth and know you are worth so much, especially to your children. Happy Mother’s Day.

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families in South Florida. Contact her at 954-655-0718; Info@TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

What to do when STRESS stresses you out

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Stress is something we all experience.  For some, stress appears intermittently and for others it is a daily occurrence.  Stress affects us mentally and physically. Some people describe symptoms related to stress as an increase in headaches, weight gain/weight loss, and higher levels of anxiety. Ironically, most of us can attribute stress to several key factors.

Finances:

Managing your finances can be an extremely stressful process. Money has the ability to create a strain within a marriage, especially when money is tight. Each month a mortgage/rent payment is due, groceries must be bought, and bills need to be paid. If you are struggling financially, then these monthly requirements can be beyond your capabilities. Consider creating a monthly budget by examining how much money comes in each month and how much money must go out. Establishing realistic goals and expectations will help alleviate your stress levels and lead to a more manageable lifestyle.

Responsibilities:

How many times have you asked yourself, “Will this day ever end?” Each day is filled with countless responsibilities, such as taking your child to school and making it to work on time, while somehow trying to stay sane.  These tasks can be rather exhausting and stressful to handle, especially when they are required of you every single day. You may feel uncomfortable or even guilty at times, but remember that you matter as well. Make sure to take time for your needs. Take a bath, spend an extra few minutes in the car, or read a book before bed, because we all deserve some me time.

Family:

As much as we may love our family members, there are times even they can cause us stress. Simply trying to be available to our family and our spouses can be rather challenging. It’s not as if they are not a major priority; sometimes it is just about finding the time. How can one do it all? Perhaps letting others know what it going on can help. Whether you have to work extra hours because you are trying to make ends meet, your son/daughter is struggling with an addiction, or you are helping to take care of a sick relative, these stressors can negatively impact any relationship. It may be difficult to let others in at times, but communicating your struggles can further mend any misconceptions, offer needed support, and in turn reduce stressors.

In addition to these recommendations, some have found that creating a schedule may also alleviate certain stressors. For instance, by using a planner you can organize when bills are due or know when to go pick up your child from sports practice. It is nearly impossible to remember every task on your own so utilizing your resources may prove to be beneficial. Furthermore, exercise has been known to alleviate stress as well, especially when outdoors. Ask a friend to go hiking with you, take in a breath of fresh air, and enjoy the warm sun on your face. Lastly, having a date night with your partner or even a friend can also lessen stress by creating a change within your daily routine. On occasion, it can be fun to change things up, so why not try?

Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic services to individuals, couples, and families in Coral Springs, Parkland, and Boca Raton. Contact her at 954-655-0718; Info@TherapyForModernHousewives.com.

When your little bird wants to fly and you’re not ready to let go

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

One of the most nerve-racking yet beautiful experiences in life is watching your children grow into their own person. As concerned parents, you want to protect your children in any way that you can. The older your children become, the more they want to do on their own; whether it be camping, going to the mall, or going to see a movie with their friends.

Do you remember growing up and thinking, “I wish my mom would let me . . .” or “I wish my dad would not . . .” The issue is simply that parents don’t have this remarkable handbook which includes the steps on how to be the perfect parent. Essentially, parents try to relay and teach their children what feels natural or normal. Sometimes your upbringing and the life lessons you have learned along the way may not resonate with your children, leaving you completely dumbfounded and lost.  In the end, children and adolescents want several key experiences.

Independence:

Children and adolescents yearn for independence. How many times have you heard them say, “I want to do it by myself” over the years? A positive spin is knowing that your child is willing to try things on his/her own. Children will make their own mistakes but that is part of life. Take parenting in stride. As your child continues to learn so will you as a parent. Always be proud knowing that you are doing the best you can.

Exploration:

From jumping into puddles to having their first kiss, children and adolescents want to explore the world on their own. At times, your child may appear stubborn or even persistent, but remind yourselves that your child is fighting to have his/her own life experiences. Remember to be present and available to listen to your children but most importantly, to continuously view the world with child-like wonder as your children do. You will be amazed at what you’ll see.

Freedom to Learn:

It may seem at times as if your child/adolescent is more willing to take advice from others than from you. As much as this may hurt, don’t stress this process. It is completely normal for children/adolescents to venture out on their own as they are simply being curious. Curiosity implies learning so that is a positive quality. The key is to have them learn from positive influences such as teachers, coaches, family, and friends. They say it takes a village to raise a child. Sometimes it may not be the worst idea to accept the extra help.

As parents, we try to be and do better than our parents until we realize that our parents were doing the best they knew how to do. In fact, eventually, many of us hope to be half the parent as our own mother or father. Remind yourselves that your children have not had this epiphany as of yet. At times they will resent you. Other times they may argue with you as well. Still, no matter what, always show and allow your child to feel that he/she is loved. Feeling loved is a memory that your children will forever cherish, and for that reason, your little bird will certainly wish to fly back home.

Real talk: Why don’t my partner and I communicate anymore?

DR. CELESTE CATANIA-OPRIS, PH.D., LMFT

Open communication may be considered one of the key ingredients for maintaining a successful marriage. Yet, one of the most common issues affecting couples today is the inability to directly talk to one another. Why is it so difficult? Many of us remember talking to our partners on the phone for hours at a time. Now it may seem as if you don’t have the time or energy to ask, “How was your day?” This change may be due to several outside influences affecting the way we communicate with our partners.

Here are 3 major factors potentially hindering effective communication within your relationship.

1. Responsibilities:

Balancing a job, taking care of your children, and making time for family and friends can be rather challenging and overwhelming for a couple. There are only so many hours in a day and fulfilling these responsibilities can be exhausting. By the end of the day, most people don’t have the energy or drive to start a meaningful conversation with their partner. Still, in order to effectively communicate with your significant other, you must remember to offer each other the same amount of time and respect that you would give to a friend or family member. Ask your partner how he/she is feeling today, say thank you to one another, and acknowledge each other’s efforts. Most importantly, show each other appreciation and these small changes can offer you a starting point for effective communication as a couple.

2. Technology:

How many times a day do you or your partner check Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.? The use of technology may affect your relationship in a very negative way. People can feel left out or ignored by the excessive use of technology. Try to limit the time you use social media. If you are on your phone in bed every night before going to sleep, then you may be unintentionally shutting out your partner. Your significant other is lying next you and wants to feel needed by you. Make eye contact with one another and try to initiate a conversation. Start with small talk, such as something that made you laugh that day or discuss a situation that frustrated you at work. These minor shifts can ultimately lead you both towards effective communication.

3. Comfort:

All parents raise their children differently. Nevertheless, our upbringing may impact the way we respond and react as adults. For instance, if a little boy were to get hurt, some parents would expect him to brush it off and to not cry, whereas other parents may instantly comfort their son. Girls, on the other hand, are frequently hugged, reassured, and often spoken to by a majority of parents when they get injured or begin crying. Essentially, boys may learn to be closed off and girls may in turn learn to be more vocal. This doesn’t apply to every family, but it does happen. The issue lies once we become adults and enter a relationship. Our roles can then become jaded, resulting in misunderstandings and even unnecessary arguments.

We behave in ways that are familiar to us and make us feel comfortable. Being aware of your background and discussing these factors with your significant other may prove to be beneficial and advantageous for your relationship especially when trying to understand your partner's habits and tendencies. These ideas can also help you to make sense of why your partner may communicate in certain ways. In turn, participating in this open discussion may lead you both towards communicating effectively.

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Tell your partner how you would like to be spoken to and recognize that your partner may not be purposefully talking to you in a way that turns you off or pushes you away. Perhaps it may be the only way he/she knows how to communicate. Always strive to understand one another. There may be times of uncertainty within your relationship, but remember that the love you share is real and it is uniquely yours.